So, today is April 17, 2012. My infertility journey started 20 years ago. I don't remember the first day I started my period. I remember being at church and going to the bathroom and blood being everywhere. I put a ton of toilet paper in my undies and went on with my business. Later, at home I told my mom I was bleeding...and thus began my journey.
My period was NEVER regular. They say in the beginning that is usually isn't. That your body is still adjusting to puberty and all that. It seems my period was never there when I was home on my butt doing nothing and always there when I went to summer camp or had a school performance or some other event that as a pre-teen made it unbarable. I never told my friends I had started. I was 10! No one had their period until Jr High... I didn't want to be the only one with it so I remained mute.
I think this is a key moment that now as a 30 yr old that has gone through some much in regards to reproductive health I can see. I am amazed that as women we don't share more about our breasts, our periods, our pregnancies, our post partum blues. Perhaps we don't because society gives "celebrities" such a hard time about it. Celebs are put on the spot for having PPD or lactation issues, for using IVF or surgogates... so us normal, every day ladies feel we should remain quiet about the issues as to not stir the pot.
Well, here I am ready to stir. It's now April 22nd. It's the first day of "infertility awareness" week. My mission is to finish my blog. The kids have been asleep for hours and I should be as well but I decided to blog instead...
I remember, the summer after 8th grade I had my period every day... My period had started in May and it was awful. It was soooo unbelievably heavy. I would bleed through no matter if I went to the bathroom between classes, during classes, etc. It was awful. I tried to hide it as best as I could but wasn't successful in the slightest! I would come home and wash my clothes. I wore only black for over a week. I was embarassed and I honestly didn't know what to do. My mom was working and had just had a baby. She was too busy to talk to. Besides, we weren't very good at communicating through my teen years (thank goodness we figured that out!). So, I wore a pad or toilet paper on super light days; because that's what the summer was... I was wiping blood away every time I used the restroom. It rarely filled a pad or even a liner so I would wad up toilet paper in my underwear to keep the stains at bay and to keep my mother from noticing the feminine product supply dwindling. It wasn't until mid September when my flow increased and my mom noticed I was on my period for too long. We went to a GYN.... As a 14 yr old and a 30 yr old those stirrups are no joke. I completely freaked to the point where my legs wouldn't position in the stirrups for a proper exam. The dr gave me a card to track my cycle and that was that. I thought it was the stupidest idea anyone had ever told me. My period was never regular... In 4 yrs it had yet to regulate. I knew something else was wrong but the dr assured us that my body was just figuring things out.
What did women do before the internet? I guess they trusted their doctors and moved on with their lives! Well, I started researching. Whenever I could get on a computer I looked things up. I wanted to know. It's my body and my life. At 14 I was fat with big boobs, terrible acne and an irregular period. Not really anything unusual for a 14 yr old now is it? So, I stopped trying to figure it out for awhile. At 16 I was 100lbs less than I was at 14 but still had all the other issues. At 18, I was over the acne and I went to get my first pap smear. Oh joy! By now, I knew something was wrong and everything I had looked up told me I wouldn't have kids. There was definitely something wrong with me. Yet, there I sat at the GYN getting birth control pills for regularity and acne control. People always think birth control is for preventing pregnancies yet it does so much more. I was a virgin on the pill for years... as if virginity mattered as I had already done the research- I had fertility issues and wouldn't have kids anyways.
At 22, I started gaining weight. Diets didn't work, exercise didn't work. I instantly blamed the pill. I had plenty of friends that said the pill caused weight gain. I worried that I should stop taking it but I thought being heavy would be better than acne. At 23, I got engaged. Yuri and I dated for 5 years before we got married. We started dating when I weighted 125lbs and we got engaged I was 200lbs!!! How does someone gain 75lbs in approximately 4 years!!! I was determined to not be FAT for my wedding. I knew deep down I would never be 125 again, but I knew I could find some place where I would be happy with my weight. I worked my ass off to lose about 30lbs in a year. I ate a strict diet, I exercised for hours every day. I spent all my free time obsessing with the scale. I am quite happy with the size I was in my wedding pictures. It sure didn't last long.
Apparently, I need a goal, a motivator, something worthwhile and substantial to take diet and exercise seriously. More on this later...
At my heaviest, I weighed in at 243 lbs. I was 26 weeks pregnant with my 1st son. That's the first time I've ever written or said that. It makes me sick. I cannot believe I weighed that much. And I digress... We haven't even gotten to the pregnancy part!
So, Yuri and I were married for about 2 yrs, together for 7 and decided we were ready to figure this kid thing out. We knew it wouldn't be easy and we would need to be open to a plethora of ideas but we both felt we were meant to have kids. So, first things first...no more birth control. I went for a routine pap having not been on the pill for a few months and not having a period. Who knows right... maybe God would surprise us. The dr said given my history it was unlikely but he gave me the test anyway. Negative. Then he wrote out the prescription. I hadn't even asked for a refill. So, I kindly said we were ready to start trying for a baby. This doctor (I'm leaving his name out for the sake of being a bigger person than him) looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're too fat to have a baby. Lose 30lbs and come back. Then we will talk." I was amazed he spoke to me like that, appalled he had the audacity to say it and on the verge of a breakdown (He had also found a cyst on my right breast that I needed to have checked... luckily it dissolved on its own...later I would find out the cause for that as well!). He handed me the prescriptions (one for progesterone to restart my cycle and the other for the pills... I NEVER filled the 2nd). I took the progesterone and started my period. I knew it was necessary as it would regulate my hormones (the cause for the cyst) and give me a started point to track my own cycles. I went back to his office to have my cyst cleared (it was gone hallelujah and never went back again!
But now we were left at a standstill. My period wouldn't come on it's own. My weight was horrendous (231lbs) and I had no doctor to ask for help, advice, guidance. So, I did what any normal person does...I prayed. I asked God for an answer, a direction, a light at the end of the tunnel... and one September morning I received it!
I remember, the summer after 8th grade I had my period every day... My period had started in May and it was awful. It was soooo unbelievably heavy. I would bleed through no matter if I went to the bathroom between classes, during classes, etc. It was awful. I tried to hide it as best as I could but wasn't successful in the slightest! I would come home and wash my clothes. I wore only black for over a week. I was embarassed and I honestly didn't know what to do. My mom was working and had just had a baby. She was too busy to talk to. Besides, we weren't very good at communicating through my teen years (thank goodness we figured that out!). So, I wore a pad or toilet paper on super light days; because that's what the summer was... I was wiping blood away every time I used the restroom. It rarely filled a pad or even a liner so I would wad up toilet paper in my underwear to keep the stains at bay and to keep my mother from noticing the feminine product supply dwindling. It wasn't until mid September when my flow increased and my mom noticed I was on my period for too long. We went to a GYN.... As a 14 yr old and a 30 yr old those stirrups are no joke. I completely freaked to the point where my legs wouldn't position in the stirrups for a proper exam. The dr gave me a card to track my cycle and that was that. I thought it was the stupidest idea anyone had ever told me. My period was never regular... In 4 yrs it had yet to regulate. I knew something else was wrong but the dr assured us that my body was just figuring things out.
What did women do before the internet? I guess they trusted their doctors and moved on with their lives! Well, I started researching. Whenever I could get on a computer I looked things up. I wanted to know. It's my body and my life. At 14 I was fat with big boobs, terrible acne and an irregular period. Not really anything unusual for a 14 yr old now is it? So, I stopped trying to figure it out for awhile. At 16 I was 100lbs less than I was at 14 but still had all the other issues. At 18, I was over the acne and I went to get my first pap smear. Oh joy! By now, I knew something was wrong and everything I had looked up told me I wouldn't have kids. There was definitely something wrong with me. Yet, there I sat at the GYN getting birth control pills for regularity and acne control. People always think birth control is for preventing pregnancies yet it does so much more. I was a virgin on the pill for years... as if virginity mattered as I had already done the research- I had fertility issues and wouldn't have kids anyways.
At 22, I started gaining weight. Diets didn't work, exercise didn't work. I instantly blamed the pill. I had plenty of friends that said the pill caused weight gain. I worried that I should stop taking it but I thought being heavy would be better than acne. At 23, I got engaged. Yuri and I dated for 5 years before we got married. We started dating when I weighted 125lbs and we got engaged I was 200lbs!!! How does someone gain 75lbs in approximately 4 years!!! I was determined to not be FAT for my wedding. I knew deep down I would never be 125 again, but I knew I could find some place where I would be happy with my weight. I worked my ass off to lose about 30lbs in a year. I ate a strict diet, I exercised for hours every day. I spent all my free time obsessing with the scale. I am quite happy with the size I was in my wedding pictures. It sure didn't last long.
Apparently, I need a goal, a motivator, something worthwhile and substantial to take diet and exercise seriously. More on this later...
At my heaviest, I weighed in at 243 lbs. I was 26 weeks pregnant with my 1st son. That's the first time I've ever written or said that. It makes me sick. I cannot believe I weighed that much. And I digress... We haven't even gotten to the pregnancy part!
So, Yuri and I were married for about 2 yrs, together for 7 and decided we were ready to figure this kid thing out. We knew it wouldn't be easy and we would need to be open to a plethora of ideas but we both felt we were meant to have kids. So, first things first...no more birth control. I went for a routine pap having not been on the pill for a few months and not having a period. Who knows right... maybe God would surprise us. The dr said given my history it was unlikely but he gave me the test anyway. Negative. Then he wrote out the prescription. I hadn't even asked for a refill. So, I kindly said we were ready to start trying for a baby. This doctor (I'm leaving his name out for the sake of being a bigger person than him) looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're too fat to have a baby. Lose 30lbs and come back. Then we will talk." I was amazed he spoke to me like that, appalled he had the audacity to say it and on the verge of a breakdown (He had also found a cyst on my right breast that I needed to have checked... luckily it dissolved on its own...later I would find out the cause for that as well!). He handed me the prescriptions (one for progesterone to restart my cycle and the other for the pills... I NEVER filled the 2nd). I took the progesterone and started my period. I knew it was necessary as it would regulate my hormones (the cause for the cyst) and give me a started point to track my own cycles. I went back to his office to have my cyst cleared (it was gone hallelujah and never went back again!
But now we were left at a standstill. My period wouldn't come on it's own. My weight was horrendous (231lbs) and I had no doctor to ask for help, advice, guidance. So, I did what any normal person does...I prayed. I asked God for an answer, a direction, a light at the end of the tunnel... and one September morning I received it!
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