TTC

September 2008 was supposed to be a great time in our lives. I finally got my credential and thought I would be teaching but the economic situation left the California teachers in a downhill spiral of layoffs, budget cuts and classroom size increases resulting in limited job openings. So, after signing up to sub in a few districts we sat down and really started trying to figure out things. We wanted to start our family but would we be able to afford it on sub pay; especially knowing that we were looking to shell out money just to have a baby. We took the leap anyway. We figure kids are expensive no matter what and if we wait until we can afford them we will never have them.

That's when I called Reproductive Partners. At this point in time I hadn't met anyone who had fertility issues. No one I knew had problems; real problems. We were barely starting and knew it was going to be hard so why waste time trying on our own. I met Dr Yee. After his introduction and brief talk about the practice he asked me 2 simple questions. 1. How would you describe your cycle? That had an obvious answer- practically non-existent. Obviously, I delved into the same history I've previously spoken of. Then he asked #2. Write down your weight at 10, 18, 25 and today. Ummm ok... so I did. What we both noticed was how dramatic my weight changes were. It's constantly up and down. I couldn't explain the ups or downs minus the at 25 (since I knew I had just killed myself to look good for my wedding!). That's when he paused for a moment, grabbed some brochures and diagrams from his desk and said, "Danielle, I think you have PCOS." It was the like the angels were singing in heaven. A professional, a reproductive endocrinologist just told me what I feared for years having done my own legwork. Yet, at that moment I was afraid. I was thrilled! I had an answer that would lead to proper treatment...I would be a mom! Set aside all the issues that come with PCOS for just that one moment....

He did a vaginal ultrasound and showed me the horrendous nature of my ovaries... tons of partially matured eggs that just never made it out sat there staring at me. Possible babies!!! I wasn't completely barren or completely out of luck... HOPE... Immediately, I started more progesterone to get a cycle going. 50mg of clomid once my period started. A vag u/s every few days to track egg growth and possible cysts and side effects from the added hormones would all be worth it.... except the egg never grew...nothing. Not even a glimmer...

So, wash, rinse, repeat... Another month the same routine; each month an extra 50mg of clomid. Finally, in January, at 150 an egg appeared! And then nothing.... so we tried 150 again. This time it didn't work all! With dread I asked the dr how many mgs can I take and for how long? Dr Cassidenti was in that day and she very quietly yet hopefully let me know that the max was 250 and only for 3 months... that was 5 more tries! 5 more months. So with more dread I asked what would be the next step if the 250 doesn't work. This was what I truly feared. The constant u/s and exams, the medications, the gas going to and from all the time were straining our finances. The "we have to try tonight" was ruining our sex life.  Yuri and I were growing farther apart from the pressure and strain this was causing (let alone the crazy hormones). Next, would be hormone injections and other more costly procedures. Last resort was obviously IVF....

But, I never give up and I always finish what I start (note this has nothing to do with crafts or housework!) so we kept going. Since the 150mg didn't work the second time the dr's just moved us right into 250... Now we went from 5 tries to 3 in a flash! 6 months of work with no results was daunting enough!  Luckily, March was a very busy month for us. We had things to do every weekend it seemed so that took away the pressure. The busy weekends also gave us the ability to bring the spontaneity back. That busy month just flew.

April 1, 2009 I sat on the couch making a list of things I had to pack for our big trip to AZ...We were going to meet my dad. I use the word meet because I hadn't seen my father since I was 10. It was definitely a meet not a visit. A baby was far from my mind when Yuri, pale white and somber walked into the room to tell me his godsister passed away suddenly that afternoon.We were devastated. And scrambling. Now we had to tie in a funeral with our vacation- would we even be able to go. Things suddenly became chaotic and that baby on the brain we'd had for months was gone. Truly, neither of us thought about the fact that my period was supposed to come that day or any day that week. How do you think about making a baby when someone you love, someone who's family is taken from you at 27!

We decided to go to AZ. Meeting my dad (and stepmom) was a big deal. We would be there only a few days before needing to return for Adriana's funeral. We packed and we drove. It was a great trip. We had a wonderful reunion/meeting and everything went perfectly. The night before we were to leave I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I suddenly remembered I was missing something... Aunt Flow hadn't come on my vacation. I was sure it would dampen the entire vacation further than having to leave early for a funeral. At 3am I couldn't lie in bed any longer. I got up and went into the bathroom. Apparently, my brain had been functioning during packing because I had packed a pregnancy test!

Then I did what every "expectant mother" does.. I peed on a stick. Then I sat... Ironic that I almost fell asleep. It was this idea that was so stuck in my subconscious it was causing me to be restless. I think I fell asleep on the toilet in all honestly. Who does that?! Who falls asleep waiting for the time to run out and have a HUGE question answered... Well, when I awoke and realized what I was waiting for and glanced toward the sink I saw it... I was amazed. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe. I wasn't going to be a mom. I had told myself this over and over and over again... Yet there I was standing in front of a positive test. I woke Yuri to show him. In his dazed stupor he hugged and kissed me and then we both fell asleep. When we woke a few hours later, he looked over at me and said, "Did that really happen last night?!" Luckily, I had taken pictures of the stick or we both may have had doubts! We were going to be parents.

What do you do with that information after a lifetime of doubt and months of struggle. Do you tell the world? Do you interrupt a funeral and put the spotlight on yourself? Adrianna loved babies and she would have loved all of my boys... I wish she were still her to meet them. One day....

We kept it to ourselves. We wanted to wait for a positive blood test and all other a-okays from the doctors. We left my dad knowing. I went early the next morning for the blood test and got the confirmation call at the funeral. BUT they wanted me back in. My progesterone was dangerously low. I could miscarry without medication! Amazing how your joy turns to sorrow so quickly!

Thankfully, the medication worked. Our first born stuck and 8 months later we met him. What joy he brought to our lives in those few months. We finally told everyone on Mother's Day. It was the best gift to give to our mothers and grandmothers and I'm glad we waited until 13 weeks and Mother's Day to tell the world.

Yuri Jr was 8 months old when I went back to see the doctors at Reproductive Partners. I always wanted my kids 18 months apart. How wonderful for my kids to grow up with each other! They gave me the go ahead and we jumped right in at 250mg. It worked before it should work again. And on round 2 it did! Only 2 months of clomid before it took... but it was different this time. My progesterone was 2x the amount it was with Jr. So, we went in for a 5 week u/s and will never forget seeing the fuzzy screen and starting to comprehend what I saw as the Dr Rosen turned to the nurse and said, "I thought only 1 egg released." OMG! Both eggs released and BOTH attached! We were going to have twins!!!!! My instant response, "We should have bought a bigger car (we had just purchased a new car a few weeks prior)!"

The pregnancy was completely different and life altering from Yuri. Bed rest, bleeding, crash Csection at 30 weeks... It was a lot. But I'm happy to say that all 3 of my boys are healthy and thriving and love each other. My days are never dull and my heart is always full. (for more about my boys and my journey through the NICU visit my family blog at yurijunior.blogspot.com).
So please, share your story, let your voice be heard and allow other women to learn and live and be encouraged by what you have endured.

Infertility (the early years)

A friend asked me a while back to share my story of infertility. I wrote it as soon as she asked me. Before I could save it my computer did that joyous "blue screen of death" and it was gone. I was a bit upset but then realized that perhaps it wasn't the right time or I didn't write it in the way God would have wanted me to share it. So now I've decided it's time I should try to write it again. I may have to save this post a million times before it's done but I plan to finish it and share it so that other young women can read it and feel hopeful for their own situation.

So, today is April 17, 2012. My infertility journey started 20 years ago. I don't remember the first day I started my period. I remember being at church and going to the bathroom and blood being everywhere. I put a ton of toilet paper in my undies and went on with my business. Later, at home I told my mom I was bleeding...and thus began my journey.

My period was NEVER regular. They say in the beginning that is usually isn't. That your body is still adjusting to puberty and all that. It seems my period was never there when I was home on my butt doing nothing and always there when I went to summer camp or had a school performance or some other event that as a pre-teen made it unbarable. I never told my friends I had started. I was 10! No one had their period until Jr High... I didn't want to be the only one with it so I remained mute.

I think this is a key moment that now as a 30 yr old that has gone through some much in regards to reproductive health I can see. I am amazed that as women we don't share more about our breasts, our periods, our pregnancies, our post partum blues. Perhaps we don't because society gives "celebrities" such a hard time about it. Celebs are put on the spot for having PPD or lactation issues, for using IVF or surgogates... so us normal, every day ladies feel we should remain quiet about the issues as to not stir the pot.

Well, here I am ready to stir. It's now April 22nd. It's the first day of "infertility awareness" week. My mission is to finish my blog. The kids have been asleep for hours and I should be as well but I decided to blog instead...

I remember, the summer after 8th grade I had my period every day... My period had started in May and it was awful. It was soooo unbelievably heavy. I would bleed through no matter if I went to the bathroom between classes, during classes, etc. It was awful. I tried to hide it as best as I could but wasn't successful in the slightest! I would come home and wash my clothes. I wore only black for over a week. I was embarassed and I honestly didn't know what to do. My mom was working and had just had a baby. She was too busy to talk to. Besides, we weren't very good at communicating through my teen years (thank goodness we figured that out!). So, I wore a pad or toilet paper on super light days; because that's what the summer was... I was wiping blood away every time I used the restroom. It rarely filled a pad or even a liner so I would wad up toilet paper in my underwear to keep the stains at bay and to keep my mother from noticing the feminine product supply dwindling. It wasn't until mid September when my flow increased and my mom noticed I was on my period for too long. We went to a GYN.... As a 14 yr old and a 30 yr old those stirrups are no joke. I completely freaked to the point where my legs wouldn't position in the stirrups for a proper exam. The dr gave me a card to track my cycle and that was that. I thought it was the stupidest idea anyone had ever told me. My period was never regular... In 4 yrs it had yet to regulate. I knew something else was wrong but the dr assured us that my body was just figuring things out.

What did women do before the internet? I guess they trusted their doctors and moved on with their lives! Well, I started researching. Whenever I could get on a computer I looked things up. I wanted to know. It's my body and my life. At 14 I was fat with big boobs, terrible acne and an irregular period. Not really anything unusual for a 14 yr old now is it? So, I stopped trying to figure it out for awhile. At 16 I was 100lbs less than I was at 14 but still had all the other issues. At 18, I was over the acne and I went to get my first pap smear. Oh joy! By now, I knew something was wrong and everything I had looked up told me I wouldn't have kids. There was definitely something wrong with me. Yet, there I sat at the GYN getting birth control pills for regularity and acne control. People always think birth control is for preventing pregnancies yet it does so much more. I was a virgin on the pill for years... as if virginity mattered as I had already done the research- I had fertility issues and wouldn't have kids anyways.

At 22, I started gaining weight. Diets didn't work, exercise didn't work. I instantly blamed the pill. I had plenty of friends that said the pill caused weight gain. I worried that I should stop taking it but I thought being heavy would be better than acne. At 23, I got engaged. Yuri and I dated for 5 years before we got married. We started dating when I weighted 125lbs and we got engaged I was 200lbs!!! How does someone gain 75lbs in approximately 4 years!!! I was determined to not be FAT for my wedding. I knew deep down I would never be 125 again, but I knew I could find some place where I would be happy with my weight. I worked my ass off to lose about 30lbs in a year. I ate a strict diet, I exercised for hours every day. I spent all my free time obsessing with the scale. I am quite happy with the size I was in my wedding pictures. It sure didn't last long.

Apparently, I need a goal, a motivator, something worthwhile and substantial to take diet and exercise seriously. More on this later...

At my heaviest, I weighed in at 243 lbs. I was 26 weeks pregnant with my 1st son. That's the first time I've ever written or said that. It makes me sick. I cannot believe I weighed that much. And I digress... We haven't even gotten to the pregnancy part!

So, Yuri and I were married for about 2 yrs, together for 7 and decided we were ready to figure this kid thing out. We knew it wouldn't be easy and we would need to be open to a plethora of ideas but we both felt we were meant to have kids. So, first things first...no more birth control. I went for a routine pap having not been on the pill for a few months and not having a period. Who knows right... maybe God would surprise us. The dr said given my history it was unlikely but he gave me the test anyway. Negative. Then he wrote out the prescription. I hadn't even asked for a refill. So, I kindly said we were ready to start trying for a baby. This doctor (I'm leaving his name out for the sake of being a bigger person than him) looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're too fat to have a baby. Lose 30lbs and come back. Then we will talk." I was amazed he spoke to me like that, appalled he had the audacity to say it and on the verge of a breakdown (He had also found a cyst on my right breast that I needed to have checked... luckily it dissolved on its own...later I would find out the cause for that as well!). He handed me the prescriptions (one for progesterone to restart my cycle and the other for the pills... I NEVER filled the 2nd). I took the progesterone and started my period. I knew it was necessary as it would regulate my hormones (the cause for the cyst) and give me a started point to track my own cycles. I went back to his office to have my cyst cleared (it was gone hallelujah and never went back again!

But now we were left at a standstill. My period wouldn't come on it's own. My weight was horrendous (231lbs) and I had no doctor to ask for help, advice, guidance. So, I did what any normal person does...I prayed. I asked God for an answer, a direction, a light at the end of the tunnel... and one September morning I received it!

Writing

Since finishing college and the credential program followed by having 3 kids in 1.5 yrs I haven't had much time for writing. When I do write it's usually about the kids. Recently, I told Yuri (my husband) that I wanted to spend more time writing for me. I want to revisit poetry. I used to write a poem a day in high school. Mind you those poems are usually sad, depressing and "emo" given they were written during those days of teenage angst where you are never happy, always in love with someone that doesn't love you or heartbroken. I may type some poems up from those years just because. I also want to delve into storytelling. Kid books. I have always wanted to write books for kids. Who knows, perhaps someone will pick them up and publish them and then I can write for a living?! Wouldn't that be fantastic! Work from home, time with my boys and time doing something I love. Given the state of the teaching jobs in California at least it would be something! Anyway, I hope to continue this blog more and more. Hopefully, like today, my boys will be happily entertained and won't mind mom sitting on the computer. That said, I think I've been on the computer too long. Here's to some play time!

SAHM vs WM

There's been a lot of debate with stay at home moms in the media, on fb, in every day life. Half the week I'm a SAHM and the other half I'm a WM (working mom). Trust me there are days where I say to myself I wish I was at work and days at work where I can't believe I sacrificed a day with my kids for it... Truth is no matter what us moms do the only job we truly care about is being a mom. People can argue that we don't contribute to society financially (but raising good citizens is a far better and lasting contribution) or that we are lazy and on fb all day (really, a status update takes what 30seconds?!). In the end, it doesn't really matter to me what others have to say about SAHMs or WMs all that matters is that my kids know they are loved and that their parents will do whatever it takes to ensure they are safe, happy, healthy and free to make their own choices.