September 2008 was supposed to be a great time in our lives. I finally got my credential and thought I would be teaching but the economic situation left the California teachers in a downhill spiral of layoffs, budget cuts and classroom size increases resulting in limited job openings. So, after signing up to sub in a few districts we sat down and really started trying to figure out things. We wanted to start our family but would we be able to afford it on sub pay; especially knowing that we were looking to shell out money just to have a baby. We took the leap anyway. We figure kids are expensive no matter what and if we wait until we can afford them we will never have them.
That's when I called Reproductive Partners. At this point in time I hadn't met anyone who had fertility issues. No one I knew had problems; real problems. We were barely starting and knew it was going to be hard so why waste time trying on our own. I met Dr Yee. After his introduction and brief talk about the practice he asked me 2 simple questions. 1. How would you describe your cycle? That had an obvious answer- practically non-existent. Obviously, I delved into the same history I've previously spoken of. Then he asked #2. Write down your weight at 10, 18, 25 and today. Ummm ok... so I did. What we both noticed was how dramatic my weight changes were. It's constantly up and down. I couldn't explain the ups or downs minus the at 25 (since I knew I had just killed myself to look good for my wedding!). That's when he paused for a moment, grabbed some brochures and diagrams from his desk and said, "Danielle, I think you have PCOS." It was the like the angels were singing in heaven. A professional, a reproductive endocrinologist just told me what I feared for years having done my own legwork. Yet, at that moment I was afraid. I was thrilled! I had an answer that would lead to proper treatment...I would be a mom! Set aside all the issues that come with PCOS for just that one moment....
He did a vaginal ultrasound and showed me the horrendous nature of my ovaries... tons of partially matured eggs that just never made it out sat there staring at me. Possible babies!!! I wasn't completely barren or completely out of luck... HOPE... Immediately, I started more progesterone to get a cycle going. 50mg of clomid once my period started. A vag u/s every few days to track egg growth and possible cysts and side effects from the added hormones would all be worth it.... except the egg never grew...nothing. Not even a glimmer...
So, wash, rinse, repeat... Another month the same routine; each month an extra 50mg of clomid. Finally, in January, at 150 an egg appeared! And then nothing.... so we tried 150 again. This time it didn't work all! With dread I asked the dr how many mgs can I take and for how long? Dr Cassidenti was in that day and she very quietly yet hopefully let me know that the max was 250 and only for 3 months... that was 5 more tries! 5 more months. So with more dread I asked what would be the next step if the 250 doesn't work. This was what I truly feared. The constant u/s and exams, the medications, the gas going to and from all the time were straining our finances. The "we have to try tonight" was ruining our sex life. Yuri and I were growing farther apart from the pressure and strain this was causing (let alone the crazy hormones). Next, would be hormone injections and other more costly procedures. Last resort was obviously IVF....
But, I never give up and I always finish what I start (note this has nothing to do with crafts or housework!) so we kept going. Since the 150mg didn't work the second time the dr's just moved us right into 250... Now we went from 5 tries to 3 in a flash! 6 months of work with no results was daunting enough! Luckily, March was a very busy month for us. We had things to do every weekend it seemed so that took away the pressure. The busy weekends also gave us the ability to bring the spontaneity back. That busy month just flew.
April 1, 2009 I sat on the couch making a list of things I had to pack for our big trip to AZ...We were going to meet my dad. I use the word meet because I hadn't seen my father since I was 10. It was definitely a meet not a visit. A baby was far from my mind when Yuri, pale white and somber walked into the room to tell me his godsister passed away suddenly that afternoon.We were devastated. And scrambling. Now we had to tie in a funeral with our vacation- would we even be able to go. Things suddenly became chaotic and that baby on the brain we'd had for months was gone. Truly, neither of us thought about the fact that my period was supposed to come that day or any day that week. How do you think about making a baby when someone you love, someone who's family is taken from you at 27!
We decided to go to AZ. Meeting my dad (and stepmom) was a big deal. We would be there only a few days before needing to return for Adriana's funeral. We packed and we drove. It was a great trip. We had a wonderful reunion/meeting and everything went perfectly. The night before we were to leave I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I suddenly remembered I was missing something... Aunt Flow hadn't come on my vacation. I was sure it would dampen the entire vacation further than having to leave early for a funeral. At 3am I couldn't lie in bed any longer. I got up and went into the bathroom. Apparently, my brain had been functioning during packing because I had packed a pregnancy test!
Then I did what every "expectant mother" does.. I peed on a stick. Then I sat... Ironic that I almost fell asleep. It was this idea that was so stuck in my subconscious it was causing me to be restless. I think I fell asleep on the toilet in all honestly. Who does that?! Who falls asleep waiting for the time to run out and have a HUGE question answered... Well, when I awoke and realized what I was waiting for and glanced toward the sink I saw it... I was amazed. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe. I wasn't going to be a mom. I had told myself this over and over and over again... Yet there I was standing in front of a positive test. I woke Yuri to show him. In his dazed stupor he hugged and kissed me and then we both fell asleep. When we woke a few hours later, he looked over at me and said, "Did that really happen last night?!" Luckily, I had taken pictures of the stick or we both may have had doubts! We were going to be parents.
What do you do with that information after a lifetime of doubt and months of struggle. Do you tell the world? Do you interrupt a funeral and put the spotlight on yourself? Adrianna loved babies and she would have loved all of my boys... I wish she were still her to meet them. One day....
We kept it to ourselves. We wanted to wait for a positive blood test and all other a-okays from the doctors. We left my dad knowing. I went early the next morning for the blood test and got the confirmation call at the funeral. BUT they wanted me back in. My progesterone was dangerously low. I could miscarry without medication! Amazing how your joy turns to sorrow so quickly!
Thankfully, the medication worked. Our first born stuck and 8 months later we met him. What joy he brought to our lives in those few months. We finally told everyone on Mother's Day. It was the best gift to give to our mothers and grandmothers and I'm glad we waited until 13 weeks and Mother's Day to tell the world.
Yuri Jr was 8 months old when I went back to see the doctors at Reproductive Partners. I always wanted my kids 18 months apart. How wonderful for my kids to grow up with each other! They gave me the go ahead and we jumped right in at 250mg. It worked before it should work again. And on round 2 it did! Only 2 months of clomid before it took... but it was different this time. My progesterone was 2x the amount it was with Jr. So, we went in for a 5 week u/s and will never forget seeing the fuzzy screen and starting to comprehend what I saw as the Dr Rosen turned to the nurse and said, "I thought only 1 egg released." OMG! Both eggs released and BOTH attached! We were going to have twins!!!!! My instant response, "We should have bought a bigger car (we had just purchased a new car a few weeks prior)!"
The pregnancy was completely different and life altering from Yuri. Bed rest, bleeding, crash Csection at 30 weeks... It was a lot. But I'm happy to say that all 3 of my boys are healthy and thriving and love each other. My days are never dull and my heart is always full. (for more about my boys and my journey through the NICU visit my family blog at yurijunior.blogspot.com).
So please, share your story, let your voice be heard and allow other women to learn and live and be encouraged by what you have endured.
